→ "HoRRorscope" for 2006

Aquarius (January 21-February 18). You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be very careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes repeatedly. Everyone thinks you are a f------jerk!

Pisces (February 19-March 20). You have a vivid imagination and often think that you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence over your friends and people resent your flaunting your power. You lack confidence, and are generally a coward. Pisces people screw small animals and pick their noses a lot.

Aries (march 24-April 19). You are the pioneer type, and hold most people in contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are a prick.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded; you are nothing but a damned communist.

Gemini (May 21-June 20) You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little, which means you are a cheap bastard. Gemini's are notorious for thriving on incest.

Cancer (June 21-July 22) You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems; they think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off, which is why you will always be on welfare and never will be worth a shit.

Leo (July 21-August 22) You consider yourself a born leader; others think you are just pushy. Most Leo's are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism; your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thriving bastards and kiss mirrors.

Virgo (August 23-September 22) You are the logical type and hate disorder; your nit picking is sickening to your friends. You are cold, unemotional, and often fall asleep while screwing. Virgo's make good bus drivers or pimps.

Libra (September 23-October 22) You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are a male, you are probably gay. Chances for employment and monetary gain are excellent. Female Libra's are generally sluts; most Libra's die of venereal disease.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21) You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacles of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a perfect son-of-a-bitch; most Scorpio's are murdered.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21) You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent. The majority of all Sagittarians are drunks or potheads. People laugh at you because you are always getting screwed over.

Capricorn (December 22-January 20) You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically a chicken shit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.