Two old ladies are walking through a museum and got separated. When they ran into each other later the first old lady said to the second, "Oh My! Did you see that statue of the naked man back there?"
The second old lady replied, "Yes! I was absolutely shocked! How can they display such a thing! My gosh the penis on it was so large!"
Where upon the first old lady accidentally blurted out, "...Yeah, and cold, too!"
Showing posts with label Joke. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Joke. Show all posts
2007-07-31
→ The grannies in the museum
→ The showgirl
As the Broadway showgirls were dressing for a performance, one of them noticed her friend was no longer sporting a flashy engagement ring.
"What happened, Lilly," she asked, pointing to the bare finger. "The wedding off?"
"Yeah," Lilly admitted. "I saw him in a bathing suit last week, and he looked so different without his wallet."
2007-07-27
→ The bet
A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the husband said, "I bet you can't tell me something which will make me happy and sad at the same time."
The wife thought for a few moments, then said, "Your penis is bigger than your brother's."
→ How to get rid of idiots
You are sitting next to someone who's irritating you on a plane, train or bus, what do you do?
1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case and remove your laptop.
2. Turn it on making sure the person who won't leave you alone can see the screen.
3. Open your web browser and go to this bookmark: http://tinyurl.com/e8efm
4. Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky.
2007-07-25
→ The blonde and the children
Q: Why did the blonde resolve to have only three children?
A: Because she heard that one child out of every four born was Chinese.
2007-03-04
2007-01-15
2006-11-20
→ The math lesson
A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:
"Dear Wife: You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight.
-- Your Husband"
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:
"Dear Husband: You, too, are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up.
-Your Wife"
→ Business Proposal
Johnny wanted to screw a girl in his office... but she belonged to someone else... One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said "I'll give you 1000 euro if you let me screw you" but the girl said "NO."
Johnny said "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend, so she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says "Ask him for 2000 euro, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down."
So she agrees and accepts the proposal.
Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks "what happened....?"
She said "The bastard used coins"
Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal in it's entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!
→ Crazy Couple
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the hospital director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered that Edna be discharged from the hospital because she now is considered to be mentally stable. The director went to Edna and said, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you're being discharged because you responded so rationally to a crisis by jumping in the pool to save the life of another patient. Your action displays soundness of the mind."
"The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. When can I go home?"
→ The Lion Tamer
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking older retired Navy Chief in his mid-sixties and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer, so you better be good or you're history".
"Here's your equipment -- a chair, a whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired Marine and asks, "Can you top that?"
The old Chief replies, "No problem, just get that damn lion out of the cage."
2006-11-17
→ The Blonde and the Puzzle
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he sighed....
"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
→ If Restaurants like like Microsoft
Patron: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?
Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.
Patron: No, it's still there.
Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?!
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.
Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check.
Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.
Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.
Waiter leaves.
Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!
The check:
Soup of the Day ................................................... $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day ................... $2.50
Access to support ................................................. $1.00
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